either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
