one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
