yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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