That's intense
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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