so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dignity is for republicans.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
