the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
