fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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