My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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