and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
