someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
