Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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