i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
