I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
