So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
