this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
