Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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