Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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