That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
