im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
