I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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