Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
