I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
