I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
