you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
