my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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