apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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