my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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