So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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