Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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