I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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