I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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