She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
