Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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