i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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