Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
