Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
