after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
