I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
