I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
