I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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