Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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