how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
