I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
