I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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