Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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