Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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