i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think i have two assholes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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