did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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