when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
