i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
