oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
