When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
