Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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